This time of year, the big V tends to stand for - shudder - Valentine's Day. The one day of the year where couples are hands-down expected to do something romantic. I hate that Valentine's Day can be a no-win situation. If you're single, it's another big rub-in-the-face that you're living "without," that you're off to a singles' party to mope - I mean, to party - with other singles on said night, or at home stuffing your face with a pint of Häagen-Dazs.
The flipside, however, isn't always lovey-dovey either. You're doomed if you do - is it romantic enough? did you live up to your partner's (so often unspoken) expectations? - and for obvious reasons, doomed if you don't.
So why not take the pressure off completely? Forget the roses. Forget the big grand gestures. Make your V-Day not about Saint Valentine but about the other important V in your life: your vagina.
San Francisco-based sex toy company, Jimmyjane, recently sent me some selections from their Usual Suspects Collection - a line of products they believe are iconic in the industry. Yup, we're talking about the Rabbit we all discovered thanks to Sex and the City, the pocket-, purse-, and clutch-friendly Bullet (seriously, it's only 2 inches long), and the like.
Jimmyjane is known for its boundary-breaking, design-intensive sex toys that are worth their weight in orgasms - so why the collection of products that technically aren't theirs? They're going back to basics. Because if you're just starting to dabble in toy exploration, you or your partner may not necessarily be ready for their dual-motored Form 2 (though, in my humble opinion, why settle for anything that's not the best?).
It might be easier and less scary to start simple, or even start small. And thus, they've debuted a collection of what they consider the "most functional, durable and -- most importantly -- safe versions of iconic vibrator styles."
"This collection is all about fun. Each vibrator has pleasures to offer, and a story to tell," says Ethan Imboden, Jimmyjane's Founder and Chief Creative. "With six designs to enjoy, The Usual Suspects offer something for everyone."
I'm no vibrator virgin. But testing three of the six Usual Suspects was fun in principle, even though they're the quintessential autoerotic accessories. Simply put, the adaption of these classics outdoes — in design and in quality — any other versions of the same thing you'll find on the market.
My rating system:
Sound: Is it quiet? Or will your roommates be able to tell every time you're masturbating?
Effectiveness: Can you actually achieve orgasm in a reasonable amount of time?
Speed Settings: Are you in control of the vibes? Or are you stuck with too few settings that don't do a whole lot?
How it Looks: Does it freak you out a little every time you take it out of your bedside stand?
Discretion/Mobility: Could you take it to your parents' or your in-laws' without worrying someone might find it the whole time?
The Iconic Rabbit
It's the Rabbit, for god's sake. You're supposed to spend all day in bed with it, climaxing up a storm like SATC's Samantha ... right? Well, not necessarily. To be honest, for all the Rabbit hype, I was a tad disappointed. Why? Well, I'm not a particularly small gal. The distance from my head to my clit isn't exactly a short one. Even with my long arms, I nearly hyperextended my arm trying to insert the head in the right place (while lying down on my back) and in making continuous ins and outs. But don't get me wrong. Once you get into the right rhythm, get ready to have fun with the different speeds, settings and self-indulgence.
Sound: When you have a rotating penis head, a rotating strip of elastomer-covered pearly beads, and the rapidly vibrating "rabbit" tip working in succession, you can't avoid noise. But will it wake up your neighbor? No. Half the toy is inside you, anyhow!
Effectiveness: Orgasms? Check. Keeps you coming back for more? Check.
Speed Settings: The internal rotation and external stimulation are separately controlled, each with a sliding controller that varies speed from nice and slow to OMG orgasm in thirty seconds/this might burn my clit off.
How it Looks: There's no hiding that this baby is a sex toy, but the fact that Jimmyjane distilled it to a pure white is better than the pink and purple versions so often seen on the market.
Discretion/Mobility: None, really. It's not discreet, and the only bag it'll fit in is a huge satchel!
The Iconic Bullet
The Bullet has been around since the '70s, but Jimmyjane's version has ditched the typical chrome finish and added bath-friendly waterproofing. It's tiny size makes it on-the-go-friendly, but it also doesn't give you or your partner a whole hell of a lot to hold on to during play.
Sound: The size of this little thing matches how much sound it omits — not a whole lot!
Effectiveness: Straight to the point! If you don't need all the knick-knacks, know where and how you like it, or want to explore with no extra fills, the Bullet seriously delivers.
Speed Settings: While there are only three of them, it's enough variation for the Bullet's size and purpose.
How it Looks: There really is absolutely nothing scary or intimidating about this simple, capsule-shaped toy.
Discretion/Mobility: The Bullet's only 2" long and less than an inch wide. Take it anywhere you want! Throw it in your clutch for a night out (hey, you never know!) or in your suitcase for a weekend away (yes, even at the in-laws'!).
The Iconic Duckie
Because it's a rubber duckie, you probably won't use this much outside of the bath tub. But if you're a frequent bath-taker, the Duckie will undoubtedly add spice to this part of your morning or after-a-long-day routine.
Sound: My bath times usually correlate with candles and relaxing tunes, my attempt at fashioning a soothing ambiance under harsh fluorescent lights. The splattering sounds of the duckie's vibrations in (or moving in and out of) the water isn't always the best addition to your bath's mood. If you're otherwise worried about making too much noise behind your bathroom's thin walls, you can always turn on the faucet for white noise!
Effectiveness: Both the duck's head and tail vibrate, but I can't promise that its default speed setting packs enough punch to get you off.
Speed Settings: Yup, there's only one via a simple on-and-off switch. It may not always be what you're in the mood for!
How it Looks: It certainly looks like the rubber duckie you'd normally find in the tub — minus the yellow exterior and squeaky rubber. Feel free to display it proudly and unhesitatingly.
Discretion/Mobility: It's smaller than you might imagine (about 3" x 3" x 2"), making it suitcase- and duffel bag-friendly. You can easily bring it over to your partner's for the night, but probably not what you want to bring with you in your handbag for a night on the town.
Ready to indulge yourself? Jimmyjane's vibes can be found throughout North America, Europe, Asia, Australia and, of course, online.
Photos courtesy of Jimmyjane