My friend Sanderson - an admittedly polyamorous individual - once told me that he thinks of sex as “an activity which should be enjoyed amongst friends, like going out for a nice dinner.”
Immediately and ever since, this statement has conjured the image of me, sitting in a light and airy French restaurant; sipping on a nice glass of red wine while pursuing the “menu.”
A tuxedoed waiter comes up to me and says, “Pardon moi, voulez vous aiment le SEX du côté?” To which I reply, “Mais oui, s’il vous plait!” Shortly after which a 6’2”, blond, blue eyed, tattooed David Bowie (in his younger years w/out all the glam shit) look-a-like is wheeled out on a silver cart for me. I take his hand and lead him out of the restaurant and...
Well you can imagine the rest, I know I’m not the only one out there with a David Bowie fantasy.
I started thinking about this today because of a coffee date I had with my friend Emily earlier in the week. I mentioned in a previous article for BitchBuzz that Emily and her long term boyfriend, Bob had recently broken up.
Emily is now phrasing this in this manner, “I had to temporarily lay Bob off so that he could resolve some issues which were impeding his performance in the relationship.”
Of course, this made me laugh so hard that steaming hot Mocha came out my nose - such an attractive visual, I know - but, the comment is relevant to the conversation in that Emily, having “temporarily laid Bob off” has found a “temp” of sorts to take his place.
In other words, Emily has taken a LOV-AH.
Unlike me, this is uncharacteristic behavior for Emily. Me, on the other hand, until I met Mr. Wonderful I had a constant revolving door of men (and, a lady or two) who I relied upon for sex, friendship and occasional spooning when I was feeling really super in need of a snuggle. Emily, on the other hand, has always been a one guy at a time, only if it’s serious type of gal.
As to be expected, this revelation from her brought on a lengthy conversation of what constitutes a “friend with benefit” vs. someone you’re “dating casually” vs. a “one night stand which got drawn out” vs. “a serious relationship.” As someone who has always been able to extricate myself from any hot and steamy situation; and see sex for sex alone, not connecting it automatically with love, as many women (and, men) do, I felt the overwhelming need to encourage Emily as she took her first tentative steps out into the world of “sex ala carte.”
As we talked, she told me about Colin, the 25 year old chef she had met online, gone out for coffee with and ended up having a six hour sex session with on date number one.
The first positive I pointed out to her was that she picked someone a good ten years younger than her. Meaning: he is at the peak of his sex drive, as is she. MEANING: they both really want to get it on all the time. When picking a FWB it’s crucial to find someone who matches your sex drive and desire for frequency of “the act” of fucking.
Once I had a FWB who was totally unsatisfying in that he only wanted to see me three times a month; whereas, I wanted to get laid three times a week - at least. Then I also had a FWB who practically lived at my house for a while, which was just not okay, as the primary benefit of a FWB is when the B concludes the F goes home.
So she’d chosen well in that respect; as she was walking a little funny and had a big grin on her face when we met in the coffee shop.
Then she told me that, though she really has a great time hanging out with Colin; and, the sex is great; that sometimes she feels guilty because she’s pretty sure that she and Bob will eventually get back together. She feels guilty not because she’s fucking someone who is not Bob; but, because she’s concerned the impact that it will have on Colin if and when she and Bob reunite and she ends things with him.
I just giggled and said, “Em - what 25 year old stud on the face of the planet is going to be offended that he spent X amount of time getting laid by a really hot 35 year old? Come on, he’s walking around feeling like a god amongst men and will continue to tell his buddies about you for ten or fifteen years concluding your affair.”
Though, it is crucially important to be honest with a LOV-AH at the outset of the situation, so that no false emotional attachments or perceived commitments form through out. If you have clear and well communicated boundaries for what it is you want and expect, you should have no problem.
The biggest argument in support of taking on a FWB while single is this, though: Men like sex. So do women. The thing women don’t know is that most men like women who like sex, too. And, until they meet someone they have very strong feelings for they really like women who like sex who don’t give a shit if they spend the night after they fuck each other into submission. And, if it so happens that the girl is cool to hang out with while clothed, too - that’s a plus. For the guy.
For the girl - you have your pick of young, nubile, horny guys who don’t care that you’re “not ready for more” who will show you a good time, screw you senseless if that’s what you want and occasionally go to dinner/a concert/come over to watch Robot Chicken with you. It’s the benefits of a boyfriend without the emotional commitment.
From my perspective, the FWB is awesome - I’ve had them at many periods of my life, in between serious boyfriends - and, it’s very healthy. You get your clock reset, you have companionship and something to take your mind off your previous relationship. If you ask me, the FWB is a panacea for all issues surrounding heartbreak.
Granted, I don’t particularly think it’s healthy to go through your entire life acting like Samantha from Sex and the City; but, during times when you need a distraction or don’t have something more serious and committed going on... why not? You only live once, sister - you might as well feel as great as you can while you do!