I love sex toys! In fact I have an extensive vibrator collection (including my $185 Form 6 from JimmyJane, my "got to come in five minutes vibe", I highly recommend this device it is magical.) When my partner asks to use a toy on me - be it a vibe, anal beads, a feather tickler, a blindfold, restraints, a paddle or anything else within reason - I never say no... I attribute this to my "try-sexual" nature.
However, in the course of researching and writing this column and my other "sex writer" pursuits I have encountered some pretty bizarre toys. I'm unsure how or why these toys were developed, as they seem the epitome of unsexy weirdness.
To each their own, I suppose. Though here is a list of sex toys we don't understand.
The Cone
This toy, in theory, is a girl's dream. Supposedly it will deliver the most intense orgasms around. However, I think it's pretty intimidating to sit down on something sharp and pointy such as this device, no matter how intense an orgasm it will deliver. I'm a pretty open minded woman and I have to say that I draw a firm boundary at putting anything pointy near my clitoris.
Ramp/Wedge
Okay, we understand what this "sex furniture" is for. So as to better angle your hips to improve penetration. But, what we don't understand is why one needs this particular piece of "sex furniture."
Seriously. A love swing? Sure we can see why that'd be cool to have in the bedroom. A St. Andrew's cross? Yup. Both are unusual devices meant to procure unusual positions from those using them.
A ramp though? Why would anyone pay $200 for a piece of foam when one can elicit the same results from simply raising one's bum in the air? If you get tired stick a pillow or two under there. I would go so far as to say that in this crazy ass economy (yes, I'm bringing the economy into this) it is wasteful to spend your hard earned money on something you can achieve in the boudoir on your own steam.
Think of all the condoms $200 can buy. Or, lube. Or, other sex essential! Really, think of the essentials!
The Accommodator
Um... we agree with the fellas over at Crazy Ass Sex Toys in thinking that it's a good idea provided the person who it's being used on can stop laughing long enough to have an orgasm.
Though, laughter does enhance intercourse; and, we'd have to give props to anyone confident enough to don this little beauty. Big props and maybe a second date.
The Fleshlight
Okay, again - we understand this item in theory - it's a male vibrator/sleeve thing-a-majiggy. Used to masturbate. But it just looks so unsexy... given that guys are visually stimulated more than women are it would seem that a device of this type might be designed to be easy on the eyes.
That and the economy again... use your hand? It does the same thing! You guys have external sex organs. Hello? Much easier to manipulate than a tiny little cluster of nerve endings!
And, the sex toy we find the most unsexy and confusing as to who thought this was a good idea...
Vortex Vibrations Suction Vacuum Cleaner Vibrator
This one is just baffling. It's not any shock that it's been discontinued since it was released in late 2006. Like the Hitachi Magic Wand isn't cumbersome and conspicuous enough? Who in their right minds would use a vacuum cleaner for sexual purposes? Seriously. Why don't you just jump on the washing machine or buy a vibrator extension for your hand mixer or something?
Not to mention for those few people who DID purchase this item reported that while it was good at delivering orgasms that it's fiddly, required the purchase of a new vaccum, non-romantic due to being really noisy and left a "love bite" on one's genitals.
I don't care how powerful the orgasm, a "lovebite?" Oh hells to the no! No way, no how is anyone getting that device near my pretty-pretty princess!