Men, Put Your Hands Up & Away!

By Michelle Tilley

So I’m in favour of women’s rights as much as the next girl, but I’m not really one for clamouring up on my soap box and ranting about the evils of men. I’m quite fond of men, as a general rule. They’re mostly nice to look at and we’d be in a bit of a reproductory bind without them. That being said, I do have one MAJOR pet peeve when it comes to the male of the species.

It’s the hands. Always with the hands! You know what I mean - you go out; you’re dancing in a club; you’re standing at the bar; you’re waiting at a bus stop - and some twat comes along and grabs your ass.

Now, when I go out at night, I like to think I look pretty good. I’m not about to make ScarJo or Angelina lose any sleep - but I don’t scrub up too badly. I know for a fact, however, that I am not hot enough to make grown men lose all sense of proprietary, of decency, of boundaries and be powerless to not reach out and grab at whichever part of me is nearest to them.

I was walking down the street today at about 4pm and some guy, walking in the other direction, poked me in the crotch (with his finger - I don’t live in a porn film!!). At 4 in the afternoon! He wasn’t drunk or noticeably crazy or having of magnets strapped to the end of his fingers that may have been randomly attracted to the metal in my belt. Just a guy, having a stroll and then poking me in the crotch! Like you do!! (And it was intentional)

Actually it doesn’t matter whether he was drunk or whether I’m a stone fox or anything else - it’s still unacceptable. I have been confronted by some of the most beautiful men who have ever set foot on this planet - and never once have I copped a feel of anything. I have also been quite trashed at various points in my life (if you can believe that!!) and again, I have never felt the inclination to get grabby with random passers-by.

It’s not just annoying; it’s down right unsettling in some cases. I’ve had entire nights out that have been ruined by this kind of behaviour - either because some guy’s gotten particularly overly-zealous with his grabbing and left me feeling more violated than vexed or because it turned out to be “Grab a Michelle” night and everyone’s had a go.

And of course - on the odd occasion where I’ve whipped round and been all “Mate, do you mind?!!” - the handyman in question has turned to his mates and gone “Ooooooh!!!” Because, y’know, I’m being such an unreasonable chick and all that.

The weird/worst thing is that it seems to be a fairly universal - I’ve had it happen to me on the street, on buses, in pubs, in shops, in dark, dingy little clubs and gleaming members-only bars. By men young and old, fat and thin. By more than a few men who I would have gladly groped back, if I was that way inclined.

And the thing that baffles me the most about this, is this - what exactly are they expecting will happen after they’ve copped their feel? Please tell me there are not girls out there who go in for that sort of thing. “Oh Mr Man-who-previously-I-didn’t-even-know-existed, you have such firm hands. I will now of course come back to yours and fellate you until the sun comes up. Just let me get my purse!” Yeah, I don’t really see that happening, somehow. I’ve met women who’ll bed anything that moves - and a couple who even view the moving bit as an unnecessary obstacle - but I have never known of anyone going home with a guy because he grabbed her ass while she was standing in the checkout queue at Tesco’s. “Oh, what a lovely story to tell the kids”

It really is entirely unnecessary. Neither the groper or the grope-ee is any better off after the groping has taken place. If you really must show your appreciation for my appearance - buy me drink! That’s much more civilised...and more likely to get you somewhere in the long run!

Image via PandaFix


POSTED IN: SEX
Mon, 26 Jan 2009 11:00 (GMT+00)
10 Responses
1.

I have had to swat a guy's hand away from a friend before while using the line, "This ain't a petting zoo." Seemed to scare him off.

flamedot
Mon, 26-Jan-2009 12:54 GMT
2.

It's hideous, isn't it? I was once walking through a crowded Leicester Square on a Saturday night when a guy ran up to me and my friend, slamming his hands into our crotches (I was wearing a skirt, so came off slightly worse than my sensible jeans-wearing mate).

Leaving aside the fact that it was painful and embarrassing, it was also deeply shocking. I screamed like a banshee that I was going to "break his fucking arm" if he tried it again, but of course he and his friends just laughed. I found myself still shaking an hour later. I know it doesn't sound like the world's most serious violation, but we take our personal space for granted; it's only when someone invades it that we recognise how important it is.

Alex
Mon, 26-Jan-2009 17:11 GMT
3.

"And the thing that baffles me the most about this, is this - what exactly are they expecting will happen after they’ve copped their feel?" Ha! I have totally wondered about this, too. Like, is there some success rate with this move, or is the move satisfying in and of itself, or do men just think that's what they're supposed to do?

Holly Page
Mon, 26-Jan-2009 19:25 GMT
4.

all it is, is us men, trying to reclaim what it was to be a man. we were the bread winner, the provider,sally that's changed, now we have to deal with the post feminist, which is why we grab your ass, we are claiming back what was being a man 20 years ago. look, it;s going to get worse, your complaining about your ass, just look at it from a proper man's point of view and things may just change.....

ruaidhri
Tue, 27-Jan-2009 20:57 GMT
5.

ruadhri: Your post replaces any analysis of this behaviour. Thanks for saving us time.
It's just the helpless, pathetic attempt to be in the dominant role.

Bad news for all "proper men": You will never put women "in their place" again. Terrorising behaviour didn't work against the black civil rights movement, it won't work against women's rights.

Neeva
Tue, 27-Jan-2009 21:49 GMT
6.

Your statement -- And of course - on the odd occasion where I’ve whipped round and been all “Mate, do you mind?!!” - the handyman in question has turned to his mates and gone “Ooooooh!!!” Because, y’know, I’m being such an unreasonable chick and all that.

Yes, I'm sorry that you will get that, but being quick to give this feedback is essential. Us men, being human, require feedback in a half-second or so to be really effective. It WILL work on the offender -- He WILL think twice about it next time if you give that negative feedback very quickly.

A 'Hey, cut that out' or "If you want to get close to a woman, that's exactly the wrong thing to do." The shorter the reply and the more 'leveler' (Google for Virginia Satir's leveler communication style) the better.

Put on your Rosie the Riveter hat when you say it.

Jim Hinds
Thu, 12-Feb-2009 19:14 GMT
7.

Hey there ruaidhri... Before I flame you out of hand, are you being ironic? I want to believe that your tone here __is__ ironic, 'cos if it is not then damn, you are a prize idiot aren't you!

There was NEVER a time when this behaviour was acceptable, and appearing to justify it at worst, or be an apologist for it at best (but still not cool) by trying to say that men are so put up on by the movement towards gender equality (let's be honest we ain't there yet) that they cannot help themselves is not only bullshit, but it's also offensive to me as a man. I don't need anyone to tell me that grabbing a woman's ass uninvited is a douche-bag move - how come you do?

If there was irony above - in your comment - I apologise, but I can't but suspect that there wasn't...

Oliver G
Fri, 20-Feb-2009 17:34 GMT
8.

"And the thing that baffles me the most about this, is this - what exactly are they expecting will happen after they’ve copped their feel?"

Nothing. You to feel upset and humbled and put in your place. Or maybe you to get your dander up and give 'em a good howdy-do (like you do) so they can chortle to their buddies.

This kind of behavior -- inappropriate touching, sexual langauge/come-ons, wolf whistles, etc. isn't about you. Imean, from your end of things it is -- it's embarassing, it's violating, it's demeaning, and it can be pretty scary. But that's a bonus. It's about men relating to other men. You're just the object by which males relate to each other.

If that sounds sad, pathetic, and miserable -- it is. It's a desperate attempt by men to show their power, their privilege, and their commitment to each other.

My (half-serious) advice? Tase 'em. (I want to say "shoot them" but I'm a non-violent sort -- but it *does* send a message). The thing is, male bonding at the expense of women a) is without repercussion, especially as any confrontational response from the woman is simply a greater reward, and 2) this attitude of liberty with women's bodies feeds directly into the rape culture. If the cost of putting women in their place was excruciating pain and publicly loosened bowels, I bet men would be just a little less willing to show off in this way.

Dustin
Wed, 25-Feb-2009 14:20 GMT
9.

This reminds me of a joke:

When god made Adam he said I’ve got 2 bits of good news and a bit of bad news.
The good news is that I have given you something that allows you to rise above the other animals.
I have also given you something that gives you pleasure and allows you to spread and grow.
The bad news is that you won’t be able to use them both at once.

By saying this I do not condone the behaviour of the men in question

And now the serious bit:

Perhaps jail time in an American all male prison would be appropriate, give them a taste of their own medicine. Might make them think twice before copping a feel ether that or cause a fear soap.

Hector Haddow
Tue, 28-Apr-2009 11:17 GMT
10.

let some effer grab my crotch. i might not be strong enough to knock him to the floor, but don't think he'll get away without me tryin'!

angie
Wed, 26-Aug-2009 20:04 GMT

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