So a few years ago I became a child of divorce. Except not really, because I was 21. So I’m more of an adult of divorce. It's weird - there are all these books and papers and guides on the issues children face when their parents get divorced, but nothing for the issues adults face.
It's like, no one considers the fact that when you’re an adult and both your parents die - you become an orphan. Everyone thinks of orphans as children, with the moon faces and the homes and the “Please sir, I want some more!” But adults become orphans, as well. And they face a whole different crop of issues as a result - much like adults of divorce, although without the death bit.
My parents got divorced and my Mum got a new boyfriend (who coincidently is an orphan, so I didn’t just pull that first paragraph out of my ass - he told me about it) who had two children - a boy who‘s 19 and a girl who‘s eight. And I got all over-excited, because I’m an only child and I’d never had siblings and these were sort of siblings so I called them my “not-so-step-siblings” it was all fun and what not. In true sibling style, they now kind of get on my nerves - but hey ho! Anyway time went by and my Dad got a girlfriend who had two sons - one 24 and one 26. And then some time went by and it was time for me to meet them.
Dad, girlfriend and the 24-year-old son came up to London and we saw Avenue Q - which is brilliant, by the way. So I’m waiting for them at the top of an escalator at King’s Cross and this really hot guy comes up the stairs. And I’m all “Heeellllooooo male nurse!” and then my Dad and his girlfriend come up the stairs behind him and I realised “Oh holy fuck - that’s my new not-so-step-brother!!”
And then earlier today, I met the other one and he’s even hotter. And talks like Christian Bale’s Batman. Which isn’t really important but I just thought I’d share.
So here’s the thing - I looked this up and making with the sexy time with your step-siblings is not actually illegal. And these aren’t even my real step-siblings -- and they probably never will be, because I think after the success of his first try, my Dad is unlikely to ever get married again. But, it’s a little bit weird, right?
Yeah, no, ok - it’s very weird! But to make it worse - I was talking about my predicament on Xmas Eve with my friends and one of them pipes up with the information that she once slept with her Mum’s boyfriend’s son. So I’m all like, “Ok - phew! - it’s not just me” And then she goes ahead and says “And best was that because it was so wrong, the sex was even better!!”
WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO DO TO ME HERE?????!!!!!!!!!!!
How I hadn’t previously considered this is beyond me - but of course it was going to naughty and therefore twice as nice!!! And - carrying on down this lovely little Yellow Brick Road of hypothetically deviant sexual behaviour - I obviously couldn’t tell anybody. So it would be secret sex. And that’s awesome! Seriously, I have two friends who are currently having secret sex - we’ll call them SS1 and SS2 (That’s Secret Sex-Haver 1 and so on..) - and they won’t shut up about how supremely awesome it is!! Oy incesty-vey!
But is it really as wrong as I think it is? It’s unlikely to ever happen as neither of them has really shown much interest in me and they live in a different city and one of them has a girlfriend, but it could still happen or at least come up (all puns obviously intended). These are not my real siblings or even my real step siblings - so it’s nothing like incest. But it is a little bit incest-y and I don’t really think incest is meant to be a matter of degrees. However you look at it, there is an element of wrongness about it. And were my Dad ever to marry his girlfriend then it would all get a little bit Cruel Intentions - and we all know how that turned out!!!
So clearly, I’m going to have to some “alone” time after I’m done writing this. But should it be alone time with a glass of wine and a Divinyls soundtrack or alone time in a padded cell and a course of ECT? Am I getting carried away - or should I be carried off by men in white coats?? What do you think?