Top, bottom and switch - or versatile - are words that can be used to describe the role a gay or bisexual man takes during sex. They can also be used to describe the roles people adopt in BDSM play or relationships. However, they can can apply to women or vanilla folk too. It's not just about what you do, but is more about how you do it.
In a sexual situation, 'top' is a word traditionally used to describe the person doing the penetrating, whereas the 'bottom' is the one on the receiving end. It is presumed that the top is always the one in charge. Therefore, in a heterosexual cis male/female situation it is assumed that, due to our anatomy, it will be the man who is the top and he is always in charge of the woman. However, despite who is putting what where, most open-minded people wouldn't be quite so ready to assume such things.
Taking a position during sex where you are physically on top or underneath does not automatically insinuate that one person is dominating the other. In addition, just because your partner has a penis and you don't, doesn't mean you can't be the one doing the penetrating (with consent, of course!). Check out classes like the Sh! Beginner's Guide to Strap-On Sex if you are a little curious on that one. Discussion, variation and a willingness to try new things can sometimes open up a whole world of possibilities.
Many women are forceful dominant lovers, whilst many men are caring and submissive. Should we automatically fall into the usual gendered roles laid out for us, or is sex a bit more important than that? Shouldn't we find out what's right for us and our partners, rather than simply lying back and thinking of England? After all, no one else needs to know what goes on behind those closed doors unless we choose to share the details, so why care what other people think?
If we have considered the options - studying our own needs and desires carefully rather than simply going with the flow - choosing an apparently gendered stereotype in bed is fair enough. After all, there's nothing wrong with a dominant man giving a submissive woman a good hard fucking if that's what they both want. However, when a man is forced into taking the lead when he doesn't feel comfortable doing so, and a strong woman wants to try more than reverse cowgirl but doesn't know how to ask, that's when things get frustrating.
So, what's your style? Are you a top or a bottom? Perhaps you're a service top (someone who likes to take direction), or a versatile bottom who likes to mix things up once in a while? Think about what turns you on the most about sex and talk about it with your partner. Discuss anything you'd both like to do but haven't tried yet. Whatever you do, just don't assume things are going to go one way and one way only. It's far better to know than to guess.
Lori Smith knows exactly which side of the fence she's on and may tell you if she thinks you have a damn good reason for asking. She writes weekly for BitchBuzz on sex and relationships, plus also blogs and tweets a fair bit too.
Image via Visentico's Flickr