There are a lot of things in our lives that we just do without even thinking about it. Plenty of things that are considered to be ‘normal’ for the society in which we were raised; like getting married, having children, and staying faithful to that one partner until you are parted by death.
But hang on a sec… haven’t we already questioned a whole load of things that used to be expected of us? Guys should make the first move? Not necessarily. Women should stay at home with the kids? Not always the best option for everyone. Till death us do part? Yeah, right! When so many of us are accepting that gender roles are changing, sexuality is fluid and marriage isn’t always the fairy tale you once hoped it might be, why are we not questioning something else too? Why are we not questioning monogamy?
The thing that a lot of people don’t know is that there’s actually a viable alternative to monogamy, and it’s not called cheating. There are an increasing number of people across the world who are realising that monogamy doesn’t always work for everyone, and they are exploring the world of non-monogamy. It all hinges on one key fact: love is not finite.
When you give love to someone, that doesn’t mean there is less for someone else. How else do you think that parents manage to love all their children? Strange as it may seem, this is also the case with romantic and sexual love. In fact, the more you give, the more of it you feel that you have to give.
There are many aspects to non-monogamy, but all hinge on the people involved being open and honest with each other, hence the use of the word ethical in many cases. Some people choose to have sex with people other than their primary partner, some choose to have additional relationships, and some form little closed circles of lovers where everyone enjoys everyone else but no one plays away. It may sound like a bit of a hippy commune, and sometimes that’s exactly the sort of life they choose, but there are a huge number of ways in which people can explore alternatives to monogamy.
There’s swinging, open relationships, polyamory, polyfidelity… so many options that it’s easy to find one that works for you. If you’ve ever cheated on a partner, or been tempted to, then you probably know the feeling that monogamy might not be for you. You may have hated keeping secrets from and telling lies to the person you loved most, so why not try using honesty instead?
If you think you’d like to find out more, reading either the classic book, The Ethical Slut or the slightly more down-to-earth Opening Up will give you a fascinating background into the hows and whys with many a fascinating insight into how it works for other people.
If you have feelings for someone of the same sex, would you want to ignore that and remain straight? Similarly, if you have feelings for more than one person, should you ignore them and remain monogamous? Without some background knowledge and discussion, you’re not choosing monogamy because it’s right for you - you’d be sticking with it because everyone else does and society says you should. Choosing the right option is only possible when you have actually made a choice.
Image via Just Out.