The internet is really really great - for sex. It’s true - you can watch it, listen to it, talk about it, talk dirty and then, if it all goes a bit screwy, you can press charges as well - sorted!! But sometimes the most fun you can have with sex online comes from Goolgling it. Setting aside the innumerable puns you can make about Google’s “I’m feeling lucky!” button in this context - sometimes it will provide sexual comedy gold.
Case in point - this page from www.neversaydiet.com entitled “Romanti-cise”. The basic concept here, apparently, is that you and your partner can do sensual exercises together as a form of foreplay, then get it on and the whole thing becomes an aerobic workout.
It also helps you “detox, meditate and improve flexibility and strengthen overall”. I’m not sure if the people this website was written for were all tragically stricken by weak overalls before this article was posted, but apparently, there’s a sexy way to fix that as well!!
There are three groups of exercises in the article. Each group is aimed at couples of different age groups and you can watch video demonstrations as well. Right, first of all - sexy activities + video demonstrations = there’s porn in this here content! It may be very, very soft-core porn - but I’m thinking there should probably be a disclaimer on this site somewhere.
Then - there’s the names of the exercises. The article recommends that 40-year-old couples should engage in body slides, cheek-to-cheek bends and lover’s lat stretches. Now I’m not 40, but as far I’m concerned, the last one sounds like a location-based scavenger hunt for make-out points and the first one IS actually a wrestling move. The cheek to cheek bends had me confused for a bit, until I read the description:
“Stand back-to-back and take turns bending forward and back supporting the other partner's stretch. When you return to the neutral position, both of you bring your arms over head and pause so that blood flow can return to normal down the back. The partners will alternate between four reps.”
Yeah - it’s ass to ass simulated sex.
This is like when you were a kid and you bashed Ken and Barbie together - it’s not sexy, it’s a classic case of someone not reading the manual properly and then trying to cover it up.
For all you BitchBuzzers in your thirty’s, on today’s fucked-up foreplay to-do list we have connection breathing, Chi Sao seduction and tantric hamstring stretches - or “amstring stretches” depending on which paragraph you’re reading (it’s a shame whoever wrote this couldn’t find a way to turn proof reading into an erotic art form, because maybe then they’d actually do it occasionally!!).
As far as the other two are concerned, I swear connection breathing was something we did when we were getting high in college and Chi Sao seduction costs £45 for a half hour in Mama San’s House of Blue Lillies and is not to be engaged in with anyone you’re ever going to have to look directly in the eye ever again…
The final set of exercises, for my generation - the 20-year-old couples. On the menu here, we have triangle leg stretches, trust squats and sensual circles. Now, ladies - take it from someone who has been there and has the t-shirt - any man who is into the idea of engaging in a “sensual circle” as part of foreplay, WILL cry after sex. Say it with me - “NO!!”
The other two - well, "trust squats" sound like they ought to be featured alongside blood sports and golden showers, with a side order of “will he? Won’t he?” and triangle leg squats? Yeah, I tried this one the other night and threw my back out - not sexy!!
I’m a little disappointed that I can’t watch the videos, actually - they’re not available in the UK (dang it!!) but from the thumbnails, they look like they’d be pretty hilarious as well. The three “couples” all look like rejects from the Ricky Lake show.
You can tell just by looking at 20-year-oldcouple, Ben and Sari, that she’s got him pussy-whipped to within an inch of his life and he’ll be fucking his secretary as a means of revenge long before they’ve progressed far enough in years to be attempting Chi Sao seduction or having a jolly old tantric ‘amstring stretch (guv’nor!).
Jen and Jim - our thirty-year-olds - are related, end of story - and I want to see some I.D. from “40-year-old” Steve, because 40 my ass!! Oh - and the programme creator (in the picture at the top) - looks like a Thunderbirds puppet.
These kind of articles come up every couple of years - the concept of “sex as exercise” is nothing new (Sorry, programme creator Amy Bento - but consider this you karmic payback for also having put together a “Your man can help you lose weight - help him help you” tip sheet and for having a last name that makes me want sushi).
I had an ex-boyfriend who used to tell me that having sex once was the equivalent of a 15 mile run. I never quite believed him because I find it hard to believe anything could be that aerobically effective, when it never lasted longer than 15 minutes!!
I think these articles are dangerous anyway. I mean, everyone knows that exercise is something to be avoided and only undergone when you absolutely have to - it’s right up there with dinner with Crazy Aunt Flo, being the office health and safety monitored and watching Grey’s Anatomy.
Articles like this come dangerously close to putting sex in that category and before you know it, there goes the future of the human race. We’ll be wiped out in a blur of laziness, apathy and trust squats. And you, Amy Bento - yes, you, with your unbelievably dodgy exercises with even dodgy names and “video demonstrations” (it’s porn!) - it will be all your fault!!!
Anyway, I’m off to get sushi and some lube, I’ll invent my own athletic sex, thank you very much!
Image via ASAPBlogs